As I have reached an even riper old age as of November 27, I realize, to employ a rather trite golf metaphor, that I am "playing the back nine." Such a passage causes one to consider those things left to do in life--and conversely, those things that one plans to NEVER do. And sad as it may be to acknowledge, there are some things that I shall never do, including:
• Buying and/or wearing shoes with tassles. I'm sorry, but my masculinity is already sufficiently challenged, and there's nothing like those tassles that says "WUSS."
• Bungee jumping. I do not have a morbid fear or heights, but I certainly respect them. And nothing is quite so terrifying as leaning forward and propelling one's self head-first toward the earth. I'd even consider skydiving over bungee jumping, but that's not a likely scenario, either.
• Eating organ meats of any sort. After 38 years as a vegetarian, I can still feel tempted by a nice boneless chicken breast, but you can forget about headcheese, liver, kidneys, and brains. Ain't gonna happen.
• Speaking in tongues. Organized religion is alien enough without some of its most bizarre rituals, and speaking in tongues is high on that list. But I'm readily freaked out by even the more "normal" Christian practices of communion and putting ashes on one's forehead. Any sane and empathic God would understand my reticence.
• Seeing the movie "Waterworld" with Kevin Costner. This may be the stupidest movie I have ever seen, and I've had the misfortune of viewing it three times--once as a captive audience on an airplane to Malaysia. It is hard to believe that this is the same Kevin Costner who was in "Dances With Wolves," one of the better movies of the '90s. Go figure. Never again.
• Getting a tatoo. Jeez, them things are all the rage, and many people under 25 look like they have botannical murals embedded on their limbs. (OK, I'm exaggerating, but to me it's just not a good look.) Reminds me a bit too much of a lizard. But, I said I was playing the back nine--I'm an old geezer who likes to see a little skin. Hey--now don't take THAT the wrong way!
To sorta quote Mary Poppins, "these are a few of my least favorite things," even more so than biting dogs or stinging bees. But I WILL take a bowl of crisp apple strudel, although I'll forgo the raindrops and roses. (I'll be damned if I can find a way to end this post gracefully! THE END.)
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